How people how?

How on earth can well known food brands charge more for their food in different places? I am talking about the huge chain takeaways (you know who they are, but as the BBC do I will not advertise, unless of course they pay me top dollar).

You may go to a normal everyday shopping centre and get charged for a meal $7.50. That same meal in an airport may cost you $10 and some. Now that is ridiculous if you ask me, and I know you all are. It is not as if it is a different quality of product, or its cooked in a different way, or it is matured and marinated to your liking. Oh no, it is pumped out by the trillion per day just like everywhere else. The gourmet chefs that are in charge of your world changing meal tend to be school kids, bored or stoned off their tits putting patties into a microwave, picking their nose as it cooks, wiping it on their clothes then putting the now half sized patty onto your bun. Beautiful service.

I understand that going to a top restaurant, eating top quality ingredients, cooked by chefs at the top of their game will cost you, although I would like the serving size to be decent (that is for another time though). The worst part of all of this, and I am as guilty as the next, is that we, the public, the idiots that we are go and buy this crap food. We allow them to get away with daylight robbery. Well my friends today I write before you and say we put a stop to this. Let us not go to the places that clearly mark up their food when we know the correct price. Let us, the people, drive the market down so that we have a fairer choice in what we eat and more change left in our wallet. (When reading this paragraph please insert your own inspirational music and for some reason I believe it would be said in a deep voice, so do that too).

There are places that do not mark up. That cost the same everywhere you go. These places are the places to go to. They know they provide a service, they know people will use their service but they don’t take advantage, to these businesses, I applaud you, well done indeed. It is honestly ridiculous to ask someone to pay $8 for a chicken snitzel sandwich, when if you make it at home it will cost you around about $2 when you take into account the snitzel cost, bread cost, sauce cost and if you need to (I don’t think you do) the vegetable cost.

There are many options out there people, let’s be smart and do the right thing. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something different. Laters

Summer Days Drifting Away

Those long, hot, sun filled, blue skied days of summer. How good are they. Everyone seems to be in a happier mood, there is optimism everywhere you look. People bound out of work to go to the beach (if they are lucky enough to live near one), the pub, a mates place for a bbq or some other activity. When you wake up it is light outside, there is a smile on your face and you are ready to face the day. When you leave work it is still light so you feel that your day is nowhere near over.

But like most good things, summer has to come to an end. Is the end of summer though that bad? Let’s look at the positive and negatives:

Positives

·         Long days, short nights

·         People in good spirits

·         Get a tan

·         Show off that beach body you have been working so hard for

·         Beer gardens (see previous article)

·         Summer holidays

I’m sure that there are more that I am missing out please feel free to let me know.

Negatives:

·         Sweat

·         Days can be too hot

·         Can’t sleep

·         Flies

·         Sun burn

·         Kids off school

Again I’m sure I have missed out loads more that you can think of but this is what I have come up with off the top of my head so deal with it.

As you head into Autumn and Winter you may feel a bit glum, but I think there is more than enough reason for optimism about these seasons. The sport season starts. Now for a lot of you, the response to that would be ‘who gives a shit’, but to the people that care it has been a long time coming. You get to snuggle up with your loved one on a cold, dark night. There is nothing I like more than snuggling with my girlfriend on the sofa watching rubbish on the tv. When I am in that position everything is right in the world. During the summer you can still snuggle up, of course you can, but be prepared to slip off each other within minutes and complain about how sweaty you each are. There is a high possibility that you can lie in bed and listen to the rain hit the window. Now I have not met one person that hasn’t loved that feeling. Lying in bed whilst it buckets down outside, it is awesome!!!

In the winter you can eat more. You cook much heartier meals like beef stew or something like that. You don’t want to do that in the summer, who wants to stand over a hot stove in the summer then eat boiling food? Not I, I can tell you that much. That’s different in the winter. Hot food is so welcomed, you are not going to work up a sweat just smelling it.

Another reason to be positive is this. It is much easier to warm up than it is to cool down. If your house is roasting in the summer and there is no breeze coming through it then there is nothing you can do. If it’s freezing outside or in the house you can wrap up nice and warm and put the heating on. It is so relaxing sitting in a nice warm house whilst the mercury hovers very low outside. If you have a heavy night on a Friday/Saturday and don’t feel like going out, during winter it doesn’t matter. The weather is normally shit outside anyway so you have an excuse. During the summer you feel that you are wasting your day, sitting in your house not doing anything whilst it is picture perfect blue skies outside, but this is all forgiven in winter. The dark grey clouds, the hideous temperature and the lure of the warm sofa with duvet are all you need. So as the Southern hemisphere summer draws to a close and the northern hemisphere summer is yet to happen don’t despair peeps. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Why People Why 28/02/2012

That awkward silence in the lifts. No one ever knows what to do. You may be standing outside the lift with a work colleague talking at a normal level about anything, as soon as you get into the lift…silence.

                  

What is it about lifts that people feel the need to stop conversations and stand in total silence. Yes I know that we are in close proximity to a load of strangers but it is exactly the same on a busy train or in a busy shopping mall. You are close to people that can all hear your conversations but you don’t stop having them then.

When the lift door opens and you see someone standing there a couple of things go through your head. 1) Do I know this person, if the answer is yes then you can maybe make small talk all the way down the lift, or even you may get on well with them then your problems are solved. 2) If you don’t know this person where do you stand and what do you look at the whole way down. You are conscious that there is only one other person in that lift with you. It is seriously awkward. If you are a male and they are a female and you have a look at them you think that they think that you are perving on them. This isn’t always the case ladies. Not all men that look at you are trying to undress you with their eyes. If you are in their eye line when they walk in the lift then of course they are going to look at you. Also people have to look somewhere. It goes both ways though. If a woman is looking at a man in the lift the man might get all up himself ‘she wants a bit of the good stuff.’ Again 9 times out of 10 she doesn’t it’s just people are drawn to looking at others, it happens. You don’t mean it to and you try to avoid it, but you will notice them. Everyone does it so don’t you worry.

Also never have your hands been so fascinating. You stare tat them intently, rub them, scratch them. If you do this then it seems that you are pre-occupied and that you don’t have to do the look around thing, trying not to catch anyone’s eye so that you god-forbid have to talk to someone in the lift. I have seen people stare at the wall or the door. I mean really, how on earth can you stare at the door like you are trying to see right through it for what can be 2-3 minutes. I just don’t get that, but hey ho each to their own.

Now back to the talkers. As previously stated you could be standing outside the lift with a mate chatting away. No worries who walks past and hears what you are talking about, then the lift arrives. In you get and you seem to feel the need to talk in a whisper. I am not saying that you now need to shout your conversation so no one else can talk or they have no choice but to hear the conversation, but people everyone else in the lift can hear the conversation so you might as well talk normally. I bet if they were in the lift by themselves they wouldn’t see the need to whisper!

What happens also if your stomach rumbles? Why do people act all embarrassed and turn around and give people that 2 second sheepish grin like they don’t mind it happened and they found it funny too. We can see though that. Who cares, everyone’s stomach rumbles at some point so embrace it and go and get yourself a sandwich.

So people next time you are with your mate in the lift, have a chat, don’t worry about it, people can hear you anyways. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something different. Laters

All I want to do is get some bloody sleep....

What a vicious cycle not being able to sleep is. The longer it takes you to get to sleep, the more annoyed you get thus making sleep harder.

Another point about it is that it never seems to happen on the weekend or on a quiet day. Whenever you cannot sleep you always have something to do the next day. There is always a reason why you have to get up then next morning whether it be work, wedding, sporting event, meeting the in-laws! It never seems to happen when it doesn’t matter. Who cares if you can’t sleep but don’t have to wake up for any particular reason the next day.

If you check the clock next to the bed and see that it is 438am and you have been lying in bed since 12, yes it is frustrating but, if you have nothing to do the next day just sleep in. or get up do something go back to bed or have an afternoon nap (best feeling ever by the way).

There are many ways that people suggest getting to sleep. Just relax is my favourite one. What do you think I have been trying to do for the past 5 hours…run a marathon!!! Close your eyes and relax, now really what type of advice is that? I thought that was what sleep was meant to be, you know the thing that I am currently unable to do!!! There is the famous counting sheep, having a shower, having a wank, having a read, everyone has a different way that they believe is the best way. There isn’t a good way, you just have to hope that you become so tired after a while with the days exertions that you just fall asleep.

The worst is when you are too hot to sleep. Now that is a nightmare. You are lying there, sweating, conscious of the fact that my god you are hot. You have a cool shower, you get back onto your bed, and then the sweating starts up again, what can you do? Your predicament seems hopeless. Even when you lie in the position that you normally fall asleep in you start to feel little discomforts. Why do these always get magnified tenfold. Only the night before you went to sleep in the exact same position and had a glorious 8 hours. Now you are trying to get to sleep having lay in that position for 3 hours and it is soooo uncomfortable, how the hell did I do this last night?! Then the tossing and turning starts. This leads to more frustration. No position you lay in is comfortable long enough to send you off to sleep. With the tossing and turning comes the grunts. The grunts of frustration and annoyance at why on earth can you not get to sleep. Now your partner (if you are lucky enough to have one) is also awake. They will be thrilled with you too, not only can you not sleep now neither can they. Two birds, one stone. When you do eventually get to sleep and your alarm rudely awakens you from what you have worked so hard to achieve, do you actually know if you have been asleep. Maybe you just rested your eyes and then your alarm went off, that is the worst bit. How long did I actually sleep for, trust me the less you think about that one the better you will feel the next day.

Lastly, why when you can’t sleep does everyone else in the house seem to be having the deepest sleeps of all time. Your partner is making some serious snoring noises, your housemates are dead to the world when you try and rustle up some support, your parents won’t wake up. It is just you against the sleep depriving demons, it is a long hard battle but you will eventually win. If you don’t then gutted you will be knackered for the whole day.

So next time you can’t sleep just shhhhhh, relax and shut your eyes, it’s as easy as that, ha! That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something different. Laters

An Apology

To all my dedicated followers I issue this heartfelt apology. Yesterday Saturday 25th February I did not write a blog. I wish I could give you a fantastic reason for this heinous misdemenour but all I can offer is that I was cream crackered. After a hard week's slog at my desk and arising at the silly hour of 6.45am I did not have my usual lie in on a Saturday. I was awake at 7.15am, yes that is right, I know 7.15am. What a ridiculous time to wake up on a Saturday but alas that is the fate that bestruck me this week.
I had to go and play in a rugby 10s tournament in the Hawkesbury Valley about 1 hour out of Sydney. The first game was at 10am but we had to register and warm up. The sun was beaming down on us, at 9.30am it was 26 degrees and the mercury kept on rising to about 33 degrees. Yes I agree with you all, that is bloody hot to be running around a rugby field, but don't feel too bad for me please, the halves were only 7 minutes in the pool games. In saying that though there were only 10 of us on the field with 5 subs on the bench so let me tell you all, it was a hard slog. Now add into this after my breakfast of Corn Flakes at 7.20am I was looking forward to having a nice burger or something for lunch after the pool games (3 of them) were over. I went over to the food gazebo, queued patiently and hungrily, stomach preparing for the feast that would fill it to give me the energy to play for the rest of the day only to be told that when I got to the front of the line that the food had run out!!! Now what is that about!?! you run a rugby tournament and you run out of bbq food at 1 in the afternoon. A massive round of applause to the organisers there. I have to come clean. By this point I had enjoyed a banana and some sweets for a bit of energy and had far too much gatorade. The gatorade was to play havoc with my stomach later on that night but I shall spare you the details (but you can email me for more details on it if you wish). Unbelieveably we managed to make the final which was played at 5. This was a full 8 hours after I had arrived and all I had consumed was 1 banana an apple and 7 snake sweets. As I know that you are all on the ede of your seats about it we lost the final to literally the last play of the game which was very frustrating.
We then had to stand through the most painful speech from the inept organiser of a tournament I have ever met. Laughing at all his own shite jokes and trying to drum up enthusiasm amongst the remaining people who to a man wanted to get the hell out of there. When we were released from this hell I had the hour long journey home to endure. We had a stop off at a fast food outlet (show me the money for names), then got stuck in traffic. After arriving back at the Ashfield Palace at 8.25pm I honestly tried to write my blog. The bloody page would not open up. Due to the excesses of the day I got overly frustrated at it and gave up trying to get on. I was cheered up later on by the mighty Eagles performance against West Ham which was live on tv later that night and then I passed out. Again I apologise profusely and please be assured this will not happen again. Tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

An alternate to ironing

Who in their right mind enjoys ironing? I mean come on, there is nothing fun about ironing. You stand or sit there running your arm back and forth with a hot iron over a piece of clothing to try and get the creases out. In my view, in most cases, it is totally unnecessary.

My girlfriend has a go at me every day for not ironing my shirt before work. She says that we are going to me into an ‘iron the night before habit.’ Now I spent 3 years at uni in Cardiff and one in South Africa and in those 4 years I managed to iron about 7 items of clothing. The only reason I did that was because I was off to paint the town red and that particular t-shirt/polo shirt (I was a student you could get in places in flip flops and tighty whities) was disgracefully creased. The reason for this. My own laziness at putting things away. I tend to throw my stuff back into the drawer. This does 2 things. 1. It makes it look like I have a lot more stuff than I do. As the clothes are not folded and put away they kind of scrunch up and catch on the drawer above making it look like the drawer is full to bursting. I know full well that it isn’t but I just can’t be arsed to fold the clothes properly, as that would take some effort for no reward in my eyes, and put them back in. 2. It creases the clothes to buggery. When you pull a t-shirt out the drawer my tip is to give it a good shakes, just like you would a duvet, you wouldn’t believe how much better it looks after a good old shake. If and ONLY if it is still resembling and old leather chamois then I suggest you get the iron and the ironing board out.

When it comes to work shirt it is a little tougher. If you wear a jumper over your shirt then you are fine, no one is going to see it so who cares. As long as your collar and cuffs are ok then you are set. A pro-tip for never having to iron is this, hang up your shirts, it’s not rocket science. When they have dried, get them on a hanger and you wouldn’t believe it but the creases in there would be minimal. Some people are probably reading this and thinking ‘what a lazy scumbag, never ironing his clothes, bet he looks like a hobo.’ Well looks wise I may well yes, look like a hobo to some of you but I have been out many a time with people that are reading this, people that would take the piss if my stuff was ridiculously creased and no one has ever said a word, so my methods must work. Hey if you still live at home or someone else does your ironing by all means whack as much stuff in the pile as possible, I’m talking pants and socks as well. Get them in, you are not the one slaving away so make the most of it (nothing like a nice ironed pair of undies).

Another pro tip for you. I am full of them today I know and you are all most welcome. If you feel that yes my top is a little bit creased, a touch too creased to go out with and you cannot be bothered with the hassle of putting up the ironing board, filling the iron with water, ironing said top, putting ironing board away, waiting for top to cool to put on, wait for iron to cool to put away, then don’t worry there is an alternative (I mean honestly who can be bothered with all that!!!) Flick some water on the shirt, pull it slightly taught so that the creases are out of it and blow it with the hairdryer. My advice is for a couple of minutes so as to heat the top up but at the same time not set it alight or burn a hole through it.

My final point is this. If you can steer well clear of the tumble dryer. They are a killer, your clothes come out in a ball that is so small you could probably fit it in your belly button. You can imagine the state of the clothes after that and then my friends there is no option, it’s the iron for you.

That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something different. Laters

The Grand Ol' Beer Garden

Is there anything better than putting on your shorts, sunglasses and vest, getting an ice cold beer/cider/wine and sitting in a beer garden with mates. That is what summers are for. During those long, cold, dark winter months, the thought of leaving the confines of your warm house to brave the biting wind and freezing rain is none too appealing. If you do attempt such a treacherous journey to the pub then you sit inside, in the warmth discussing the importance of trivial matters such as how your team did on the weekend or who got engaged with who that you went to school with years ago. The garden and the furniture out the back isn’t given a second thought, it just sits there, empty and unused, waiting for those summer months to return so it can be the hub of the place again. In the winter beer gardens just look drab and unwelcoming but the change when summer comes around is as dramatic a change as you are likely to see. From the dank, grey/brown colours of the winter, to the bright orange, yellow, red well pretty much every colour you could think of in the summer (people wear some funky stuff trying to be cool).

I have heard many a complaint that people get depressed in the winter, ‘it’s dark when I leave for work, and then dark when I come home, I don’t get to see any bloody daylight.’ Well that may be true, my suggestion is you get a job with a window and suck it up. After saying that, the winter months can be challenging. You just don’t seem to have as much energy or will to go out as you would if you looked outside and saw a beautifully, blue, cloudless sky. When I do go down the pub with the boys then I am normally met with people sitting around in big jumpers or jackets. Now I am not sure if you have noticed but winter clothes are very often made in darker colours. If people do suffer from the winter blues then why don’t you make more clothes for winter that make people happier like a nice royal blue, or a decent shade or yellow (not that mustard/wee colour that your top always seems to be the day after you have bought it). Whilst it is fun to be out and enjoyable to be with friends socialising the atmosphere isn’t as buoyant, there hardly ever is a pub that is busy.

Now we go back to my original point, the beer garden in the summer. You finish work, it’s still light outside – hooray (or maybe you have got that job with a window, well done), when you get home it is still warm and there is hours of sunlight remaining, there is one place that is more inviting than any other…THE BEER GARDEN. You go down there with your girlfriend/boyfriend/mates and I can almost guarantee you there will be a loud buzzing of 10s of different conversations going on at the same time between multiple people. You will struggle to find a seat but who cares, you can rest your drink on a wall and have a chat, the atmosphere is great, everyone is in a good mood and those weirdos that were the weird colours have gone all out, the scene is awash with colour. It is about as far as you can get from the dank brown and greys of the winter months. That is just the after work scenario, now we move it to the weekend especially a Sunday. Sundays are made for doing this. Going to the beer garden, getting a pub lunch and just relaxing with whoever you relax best with. You can have a meal that may or may not have been heated in a microwave and not have to worry about the dishes, win win!! You can have a beer/wine/cider and not have to worry about washing the glasses up, another win. You can enjoy the warmth of the sun and be out the house with people you love or sometimes like biggest win. There is nothing about that scenario that doesn’t sound great and make me smile, especially as I look out of my office building onto a glorious Sydney day.

Some of the beer gardens I have been to in Australia are truly stunning. You can sit there, basking in the sun, being a true Englishman and earning myself a great vest tan, whilst looking out at the soft, golden sand on the beach with the cooling blue water of the sea run until it meets the sky at the horizon. The backdrop is spectacular especially when I am with my girlfriend and the sun is setting, it can’t be beaten. So I say well done to the person that thought up the beer garden, well done indeed. I know that this is just a pipe dream for you in the northern hemisphere at the moment as we down here enjoy our summer but hey ho tough tits, yours will come soon enough. When it does mines a pint! That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something different. Laters

The good old Scapegoat

I believe it is only right for me to have my two penneth worth on the events from the weekend. Having watched the disgraceful yet thoroughly entertaining scenes of the Derek Chisora vs David Haye kafuffle, it dawned on me how the British press and public love to make a scapegoat out of someone.

Yes what they did was wrong and it should not have happened but look at the sport. Who really cares about the heavyweight boxing division. I would like to make it totally clear that I am not a worlds leader on everything boxing, far from it, but what I do know is that most people couldn’t give a rats arse about any fights that go on. Look how excited people are getting at just the thought of Manny Pacquiao against Floyd Mayweather. Now that is a fight that people want to see. Two evenly matched fighters, quick, powerful and exciting. Let’s compare that to the heavyweight division. The champions are two gargantuan oafs that are 40 years old!! They are brothers so will never fight each other and are so big that no one can get to them to really have a go. The heavy weight fights are slow and cumbersome. Don’t get me wrong again, my god I don’t want to get hit by one of those blokes, I would reckon it may smart a fair bit, but I just as much don’t want to waste my time watching them when there is other more exciting things I could be doing, such as counting the rain drops on my balcony! If you are reading thinking, ‘this is very off the point’ then you get 5 points as it is but it will become clear soon.

What happened on Saturday night was fun, interesting and brought some excitement back to boxing at that weight. If anyone hasn’t seen it then I suggest you do, it is brilliant. It shows 2 men that clearly would, and I am sure have tried to give themselves head showing off. They goad each other and insult each other, I was honestly waiting for the line ‘my dad’s better than your dad!’ Then Chisora gets off the stage where he was fronting the media and goes to Haye where the scuffle happens. I am not saying that it was right or in fact necessary but it happened and look at what it has done for a flagging sport. The heady heights of heavyweight boxing when Ali or even Tyson were doing their thing are a long way off and nowhere near coming back but at least this has given people something to talk about over their cornflakes, and I for one would definitely watch it if these two fought in the ring.

Now the point – phew I hear you say. Since this has happened I have read things in the British press saying that one or the other or both the guys involved are a ‘disgrace.’ Yes they are role models and they have to conduct themselves in a certain way but for a living they punch people as hard as they can in the face!!! I don’t know of many mothers that when their son is growing up saying ‘ I really want him to be a boxer.’ Golfer – yes, footballer – yes, boxer-errr not so much. When the press get on the bandwagon of ‘what does this show to the children of today.’ Don’t show it on prime time news! The fight was on at night time on Saturday. When was the last time you saw boxing that started at 3pm in the afternoon. It doesn’t happen it is a sport for adults. Why do the press have to really try and make out one of these guys to be the bad person? It doesn’t end here, there are many occasions where they have looked for an excuse. The recession – again I literally have no idea about what goes on in politics, I think it’s all a load of bollocks, but I would like to hazard a guess and say that this didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t totally Gordon Brown’s fault yet the blame lay at his door. I don’t want to get too deep into that as I just don’t have enough knowledge of it ( and there is a blog about politics coming up so stay tuned, it will be a doozey). Then let’s go back to sport. Englands Rugby World Cup. They lost because of Mike Tindall and his going out. No they lost because they were not good enough, there were teams at the tournament that were better than England were. It was Martin Johnson’s fault, he let the team go out too much. I play rugby and have played in tournaments where you travel and live in hotels for 2 weeks. You need to go out and let off some steam, if you don’t then feel cooped up, you need to find an outlet. Going back a bit, David Beckham getting sent off in the World Cup. Again England didn’t lose just because he got sent off. Yes he may have taken a penalty but he may as well have missed it, look at Euro 2004 against Portugal. There always needs to be a scapegoat, but sometimes we should just let it be and it will sort itself out. That is the thought for the say, tune in tomorrow for something different. Laters

Phew what a workout....

Gym’s really split people. There are some people, the fitness freaks, that love the gym. All they can talk about is the gym and how much weight they lifted or how far they ran and how many times they have been to the gym in the past 6 hours!

Then there is the opposite end of the scale. The people that think the devil himself invented gyms. ‘Why on earth would I put myself though that pain when I can quite comfortably sit here on my sofa/in the pub/ at a mates house and do bugger all.

Finally there are the people that go through necessity. The people that play sport and have to go in order to perform adequately enough at that sport. I fall into that category. I don’t go to the gym because I get off on it like some people do, I go because I play rugby. If I didn’t go to the gym, I would be very, very small. The bigger players on the opposition team would see that and most likely either savage me or devour me one of the two. Thankfully I manage to put on a bit of muscle to stop the beatings being as harsh as they would be.

Yes I think it feels good when you get home after a good workout, you feel that nice glow that you have pushed your body and now it is enjoying the relaxation time. I do not however then go and update my status on popular social networking pages (still no free advertising #showmethemoney) telling my friends and acquaintances about my magnificent feat of managing to lift something heavier than a mars bar past my mouth.

The gym junkies are very easy to spot. They consistently update everyone that cares to listen (and those that don’t) about their exploits. Do they think that by telling as many people as they can about the weights that they have lifted that people from everywhere will look at it and think, ‘Oh my god, that is incredible!! I can’t believe they have lifted that amount of weight. I must go and tell them how amazing they are and try to make love to them and perform all the mundane tasks in their lives that they don’t want to’. If it does then please for the love of god, go and get yourself checked out as you are pretty damn sad. These people are the same people that when they are in the gym they will wear the stringiest, loose fitting and revealing vests in the male cases and in the female cases the tightest, smallest spandex you could think of. They will then stare at their muscles in the mirror as they work out. Some will claim it is to ensure their ‘form’ is good. Now that is complete and utter bollocks. You know when you are doing something right, it is the same in every task you do, you don’t have to look at yourself sitting in the chair to know if you are slouching uncomfortably or not, your body tells you. When you are lifting weights your body tells you if you are doing it right. To the bell ends that watch themselves in the mirror, stop it, you look like twats.

The best bit about the mirror starers is that they tend to do it in the ‘free weights’ section. Now this section is 95% male, 3% butch lesbian,1.5% lost people looking for the cardio machines and1.5% women. With this fact who do these guys think watch them flex and tense in front of the mirrors apart from themselves? The only people that do are the unfortunate souls that are working out next to them and have them in their eye line, if that is the audience they are going for then well done them but I would hazard a guess that it isn’t. This will lead onto another article but that is for another day so stay tuned. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Wahey it's Monday (You will be surprised)

Monday’s. Now a lot of people, rightly, complain about Monday’s. It is the start of the working week, when you get up on a Monday morning you have 5 whole day’s work ahead of you, what is there that is good about Monday’s? I beg to differ though. I don’t think that Monday is the worst day of the week. That accolade I think should go to Wednesday. Wednesday has nothing what-so-ever going for it.

Ok I accept that 90% of people are not in their dream jobs and don’t jump out of bed in the morning with morning wood about the thought of going to work, but hey, that’s life. In most work places you will have a couple of mates that you can have a chat to, see what they did on their weekend and generally enjoy their company whilst you spend the next 8 hours or so of your life sitting with them. Now on a Monday there is always a good story about the weekend to catch up on. Maybe you went out for work drinks on Friday night and big Clive in accounts tried it drunkenly on with Michelle from marketing and you have to rib him about it. Maybe they went home together and you want to find out the gossip?!?! Unless you work from home by yourself, when you know exactly what your co-workers did on the weekend there is normally something good to have a laugh about to help make the morning pass a bit quicker.

Once the initial talk is out of the way and the obligatory checking of newspapers and websites (still no free advertising!!) has been done then the chances are you will have a bit of work to do. Everyone prefers to be busy. It is seriously boring having nothing to do and clockwatch. If you are busy then you can blink and 3 hours have gone by and it’s lunch time or maybe even time to go home. This is what Monday brings to the table. At 4 o’clock on a Friday any big job that comes in unless incredibly urgent can ‘wait til Monday.’ There is a job already to be doing, something to keep you occupied and you haven’t even begun the day.

After work you just want to go home and relax. A nice meal and a beer is perfect on a Monday night, on the sofa with your partner, watching rubbish on the tv. You are allowed to do these things on a Monday as it is Monday, that’s what it is therefore.

No fast forward to Wednesday. It is right slap-bang in the middle of the week. You still have two full days at work after today! Yes you can still talk to your mates at work but it’s mainly about what happened last night or what was on the tv. There is no funny stories from the weekend that can keep you going for a couple of hours before the work kicks off. You are straight into work from the minute you get there and if you are not busy my god it’s a long day. On a Monday you feel nice and refreshed from the weekend, on Wednesday you have been at work for 2 days and your body is starting to yearn for the weekend but as stated it has 2 FULL DAYS TO GO. Then there is the decision about the evening. Do you go out and have a couple of cheeky drinks, knowing that potentially it could get messy. If you do then you have to muscle through Thursday and Friday. It’s not like Thursday when you can go and get yourself nicely toasted and only have one day to suffer through. If you don’t go out though are you going to be bored of just sitting at home doing nothing watching tv. Oh the dilemma, just another reason why Wednesday is so crap. So happy Monday to you all and I hope you enjoy it more now that you have read this. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something new. Laters

Good Old Sunday

Sunday, what a great ay Sunday is. You have worked your noo noos off all week, you have enjoyed yourself thoroughly on Saturday day and maybe even night. You may have got overserved at the bar on Saturday night but who cares because of Sunday!!

Sunday is a hero of a day. If you wake up and can’t be bothered to do anything then you don’t need any excuse apart from ‘it’s Sunday.’ As soon as anyone hears that excuse then it’s understood, there will be no comeback or trying to convince you, the Sunday excuse is one that is world renowned.

If you wake up at 11am on a Saturday then you feel a bit guilty, especially if it is a nice day outside, ‘what a waste’ you think. Fast forward 24 hours. If you wake up at 11am on a Sunday morning, then the thought process is very different. ‘What the hell am I doing up at this hour, it’s Sunday for god sake!!!’ I agree with that statement. The body needs time to relax and recuperate before doing it all again.

Acceptable Sunday activities include: having a bbq, going to a bbq, sitting in a beer garden, watching the omnibus of some crap tv show and finally watching sport on tv or going to sport. I will allow going out for lunch but that is only at a push. You still have to do the work of actually getting to the place, but you don’t have to do any washing up so that is ok.

Your sofa also thoroughly looks forward to Sunday. You have neglected it all week with your hectic lifestyle but on Sundays your bum is meant to make its acquaintance, and that little grove that it creates is supposed to come back to the max.

There is a big, shocking twist that comes with a Sunday though. As you are nice and relaxed in the evening the realisation suddenly hits you. It creeps up on you like the stealthiest cheetah stalking an antelope.....WORK. As soon as your head hits that pillow and you drift off into a land where you are the most popular multi-millionaire, the next thing that will happen is that you wake up to prepare yourself for another week at the grindstone. So Sunday is awesome, Sunday is great, but don’t get lulled into a false sense of security with Sunday as it has a nasty sting in the tail. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters  

The meeting of great minds

The houses of parliament, your house of prayer, a MENSA group meeting. You would think these are the places to go to to hear the top level of intellectual conversation, well you would be wrong. The best , world changing conversation can be heard at your local Kebab shop or favourite fast food outlet at the end of a night out ( no free advertising on here!!!)

Just last night I was in Manly saying goodbye to a couple of friends. It was a good night, not particularly heavy, but after a few drinks we decided that before we got on the ferry a little snackette would be very well receive by our stomachs. So there we were in line at one of the afore mentioned fast food outlet trying to decide what it would be that our heart desires at this hour to cure that nagging hunger, when a conversation started up in front of us. I cannot tell the difference between an American accent and a Canadian accent but clearly one of the people involved in this conversation was an American whilst the other 3 were Canadian. The American in slurring, and not very well thought out English was trying to convince the Canadians how bad Canada was. He obviously couldn’t pick that they were Canadian either. That was until one of the people said ‘Hey man you know we are from Canada right?’ Well the look on this American guys face was a picture. I think what he heard was not ‘Hey man you know we are from Canada right?’ but ‘Hey man I can’t wait to strip you naked, tie you to that pole over there and tickle you.’ There was fear and contempt in that face for a good couple of seconds before his over boozed brain worked out that they were indeed just Canadians and for some reason hadn’t been offended by what this guy was saying.  Having processed what they had said an not realise that he had got away very lightly he then proceeded to ask where abouts in Canada they were from, ‘Vancouver’ came the reply. Well that was it! He launched into an astonishing attack on everything to do with Vancouver and how they can fix the place up, it was quite brilliant to listen to. I’m pretty sure this guy was the guy to sort out world peace. Get him to the Middle East or Afghanistan and the conflict would be over in minutes, he has all the ideas.

Obviously  not all the conversations had in these places are as intellectually brilliant as that one. There are the drunken ‘ALRIGHT MATE, GOOD NIGHT YEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH’ shouts across the counter at the poor guy serving, and the spontaneous flash mob of singers that seem to transcend on these places weekly but it is great viewing if you are in a state where you can remember it.

That brings me onto my second point, yes folks this is a 2 parter. Is this discussion really necessary in the food shops. You don’t know the people you are talking to. You aren’t going to remember the conversation the next morning, you are holding up the line of people that are seeking that greasy food fix that comes with excess alcohol. I am not sure that it is needed. Yes I know I am slightly contradicting my first point of it being fun to watch and it is don’t get me wrong, but if you offered me getting my food in 3 minutes without the entertainment or waiting 10 minutes in the rain outside because I can’t get into the place for all the people in there are having world changing conversations at volumes where they can be heard from outer space, then I’m going to have to chose the first option. It’s hard enough to decide when you all you have to worry about is whether you have enough money for a full meal or not let alone trying to solve the worlds debt problem in-between massive burps. Then when they get to the counter they never know what they want an their money is dropped all over the place, another 5 minutes getting rained on whilst they pick it up....great. So yes try and solve all the world’s problems, but do it after you have bought your food and are outside, boom there you go, I am good at solving these problems too. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something different. Laters

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Everyone has had it. It is horrible when it happens, but you just have to suck it up and get on with it. It’s the wake up on Friday morning thinking its Saturday!! Is there a worse feeling that can befall a person. This torture happened to my good self just today. My girlfriends alarm went off at 635, I was thinking ‘oh well she forgot to turn the alarm off’ and I rolled in to spoon her. I closed my eyes, relaxed and drifted off again. I knew I was nearly asleep when I started to twitch a couple of times and could feel myself about to dribble. ‘No going back to sleep!’ What on earth was that?! Who said that?! Why did they say that?! My girlfriend had got herself out of bed and was trying to rose the lazy sod that I am out of bed. I am confused by this, why is she doing it……BOLLOCKS ITS FRIDAY! All my hopes and dreams of having a nice lie it, then relaxing in the sun somewhere nice, dashed in one cruel instant.

My body takes a little time to adjust when this happens. I am so relaxed and happy that I have managed to roll over and go back to sleep that it seems to take doubly long to do anything. Actually opening my eyes is an effort, then there is the time it takes to get to the bathroom and actually do what you have to do three. After that there is the huge problem of putting on my socks. I have no idea why but I find it so much harder to put my left sock on compared to my right one. Again this is only exaggerated when the Saturday/Friday horror is upon me.

Why does the body do this to us? Gives us this false hope that the warm pit that we are snuggled in is going to consume us even further and for a longer period of time, rather than we have to bound out of it and do everything in double time because we are running late? I can almost guarantee if this happens in winter you will sprint out the door, get to the end of the road, just over halfway to the train station and it will start to rain. Your umbrella will be sitting there at the front door. You would have put it there so as to remember it when you left as you knew about the impending rains, it is too far to go back you have to carry on without it. This won’t be any type of rain though, it will be a heavy, cold downpour and you will be soaked through, oh the joys!

Thankfully such an episode did not befall me today, but I am looking out of my office window and the shimmering water as Sydney basks in a 28 degree day and I am cursing my mind for playing such a damn cruel trick. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something new. Laters