Anything good on tv?

Everyone likes a nice day off. You wake up in the morning, you are knackered, your bed is toasty warm you think ‘bollocks to it, I am not going into work today.’ You pick up your phone, dial the number, put on a croaky voice (or if you can’t be bothered tell them you got the shits) and boom, a nice day off.

After you have had your lie in and leisurely breakfast, you position yourself on your favourite seat in the living room, in front of the tv and settle in. Then and only then does the horror of what you are about to face hit you. DAYTIME TV!! My god it’s horrendous. Yes there will be a couple of shows that you love to watch, my guilty pleasures being ‘Homes under the Hammer’ and a chat show, where people (quite clearly actors) go on and pretend that they need to air their dirty laundry and fears to someone that apparently is qualified to talk to them to sort out their problems. Why do the tv companies think that we don’t know what is going on? ‘My boyfriend made my sister pregnant whilst I was asleep on the sofa’ and other superb titles, where people that let’s be honest, look like they have had a tough life, come on in tracksuit bottoms a polo shirt with the top up and a hat for the fellas and some ridiculously revealing ensemble for the usually overweight ladies, talk about the strain whatever is putting on their relationship. This is good tv, a great watch I put my hands up. Such entertainment for an hour, the host takes it so seriously. Gives a bit of crap advice, looks at the audience for a reaction (it is obvious when the ‘applause’ sign lights up) and then looks proud as punch.

Once this is over though then there is the hells of the early afternoon. Nothing and I mean nothing worth watching is on. Most of the people you know are at work and those that aren’t may actually be sick or on holiday. What on earth do you do? I am pretty sure that they make daytime TV so that people go to work. There is no other option. You either go to work and do your eight hours, or you have to suffer through endless repeats of 70’s shoes that no one watched in the first place.

It has got better with the introduction of satellite tv. Then you have 200 channels of stuff that you have no interest of watching, rather than just the standard 4 or 5. With the 200 channels of crap though, you may stumble across something that may in fact interest you, there is a lot more hope. I’m pretty sure that the tv networks must think ‘everyone is at work and the people at home are either trying to sponge or faking a sickie, let’s get ‘em back in the office.’ This is the only reason I can think of for some of their programming. A deal must have gone down a few years ago between the big wigs in tv and the top companies bosses to put shite on tv during the day so that people won’t want to pull a sickie, well let’s stick it to them and get a massive DVD collection.

Those poor new mothers. They have just gone through the ordeal of labour, they have to dote on their children, accommodating their every need. They get a couple of hours to themselves when it is afternoon nap time, on goes the box and on it is a 95^th airing of Midsummer Murders. If I was an actor (I must have slipped through the net), I would love to be on a daytime soap. Why I hear you ask. They are all shit. Yes, agreed but endless royalties. Those royalties will keep coming to your families long after you have croaked it. I hereby put my name forward for every new daytime soap anywhere in the world, if anyone reading knows a producer or director, send them my way. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Sister Sister

Here is one for you, this one is bound to split the camp. Why do female siblings seem to get away with a lot more!? Especially if they are younger than you.

I have a sister, she is 3 years younger than me. Admittedly when growing up I may have influenced some of the things that my parents considered ‘naughty’ but there was no way that I was to blame for everything! I have spoken to friends that have older sisters and they tell a pretty similar tale. When something went wrong in our house the first name I always heard called out was mine. ‘Get in here now.’ Every child has heard those words before and everyone knows what tone of voice that the command is in. It strikes fear into the heart of the child, immediately they are on the defensive. ‘What have I done?’ The brain is racking through all the things that you have done recently that could land you in hot water. You can’t think of any, ‘right let’s see what all this is about.’ You get to the scene of the crime be it a broken vase, some stolen money off the counter, an apple with a face drawn on it, and you proclaim your innocence. It wasn’t you. you know it wasn’t but you also know that it is going to be one hell of a job to convince the parents otherwise. You are guilty until proven innocent whilst your sister goes about her day without a care in the world!

When you do do something wrong (very rare I know) the punishment is harsh. Banished to your room, grounded, no tv or computer for a week. All the things that boys cherish taken away from them. It appears though when your sister is actually found guilty of something (even rarer I know), it seems a slap on the wrist and a ‘don’t do it again’ suffice. If you complain about the severity of the sentencing then you tend to land yourself in hot water again and for your troubles get yourself grounded or in your room again.

I can see to an extent the younger thing. There is always the ‘they look up to you and copy you’ line. There is no arguing this. You have no idea if they do or don’t but is your sister sees the opportunity to play along and get herself out of the sticky situation then she would be a fool not to. In saying this, that excuse cannot be used for older sisters.

Now I don’t have an older sister so I am basing this on what I have been told. When you are both young, the brother gets the blame as the sister cries and throws the blame at him. Unless they are as good a crier as their sister they have no hope, they stand there looking gormless and have to cop it on the chin, whilst they are receiving that damn annoying grin over the shoulder of their dad from their sister. As they get a bit older, then sisters find other ways. They claim that their brothers are listening in on their conversations and that they are annoying them. Then the familiar ‘Get in here’ tone comes up the stairs and off you go to face the music. This time the lecture is about giving her space, that she is older than you and needs her time and leave her alone. I have been reliably informed that when the roles are reversed and you have your first girlfriend then all your sister wants to do is know about it. Then when the complaint is made the reaction is ‘she may be able to help you’ or ‘don’t worry about it she is just messing.’ Why is this acceptable? It is not!!!

I know that people will have had very different experiences and I look forward to hearing about them. I don’t know what happens when there is a family of just 2 sisters, who gets the blame then?

That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

And the winner is...

Everyone likes to win a competition, whether it be publicly on the radio or tv or privately from the newspaper or internet, everyone likes to win something. Even I had the pleasure of winning a competition once. I won satellite television all paid for, for a year and a trip to Rome. In my stupidity I completely forgot about the trip to Rome and didn’t take it. That isn’t one of my finest hours but hey ho, you live and learn.

Now even if I do say so myself, when the phone call came through from the people to tell me I had won, I was very calm. I was at work I thanked them very much, gave them my details and then awaited further instructions as to how the prizes would be collected/delivered etc. There was no histrionics, no jumping up and down, no crying, no waving my hand in front of my mouth as the tears built up. I just told the people at work, they congratulated me and when I got home told my family who were chuffed to bits that they weren’t going to have to pay for their satellite for a year (mainly my dad). This brings me on to my topic of the day, why the hell people react so hysterically when they win, what are sometimes, such shit prizes really.

It is the worst on the radio. Don’t get me wrong there are some humdingers of prizes that are won, that I would be stoked to have won, but some of the reactions really! ‘Congratulations you have won a pencil case with a picture of your favourite boy bad!!’ Cue screaming down the phone, thanking the DJ over and over again followed by more screaming and ‘I can’t believe it, I just can’t believe it, thank you so much.’ Ending in tears down the phone. There is no need for it. Some people ring up, win, say thanks and off they go. That is all that is needed. For some saddo’s it seems that getting 2 tickets to see Lady Gaga (face value of about a combined $200 max), is as big a deal if not bigger than if they won the lottery. I don’t see how they could be more excited if they actually won a life changing sum of money.

On the tv it isn’t so bad, mainly because you actually do tend to win life changing sums of money if you are lucky enough to win. That being said there are the odd show where you win complete crap. Yes maybe it is the excitement of being on tv and actually winning and not making a complete tit of yourself that adds to the reactions, but winning a plastic dining set is not on the same par as taking home a brand new car or a million pounds, although you would be forgiven for thinking that it is. I know that it’s great to see someone so excited. Everyone likes to see a happy person, I am not saying don’t be happy, I am saying that lets calm it down people. I like listening to the radio in the car, I hate hearing a shmock scream down their phone because they won a tissue that Justin Bieber sneezed in.

I am all for competitions. Let’s get more of them I say. That means more chance for me to win if I enter a few (I’m about 0 for 100 this year). I just want there to be a clause that if you over react and annoy the host or the host thinks that you may be offending the public’s ears and/or eyes then you forfeit your prize. How good would that be! You would see a complete range of emotions. From going nuts over the top crazy at winning a pencil sharpener that you have always dreamt of to having it snatched from your grasp by your own stupidity, let’s be having that, that is entertaining!!!! That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Thats a good question...

When you watch TV programmes is it just me or do the questions that the hosts/interviewers ask some times really get on your nerves!! I mean they are the dumbest, stupidest questions!!

When someone wins a big cash prize on a show the first question always is ‘how do you feel?’. How do you think they feel? They aren’t exactly going to turn around and say ‘shit, I wish I hadn’t won that, that’s my life buggered now.’  They are quite clearly going to be over the moon. And then on the flip side of the coin, someone loses all their prizes, or tragically loses their home or possession in a flood/fire or something – ‘how do you feel?’ I mean what type of a question is that. Are they expecting some type of answer that will take their breath away? “This is so good, I really didn’t want any of those things so managing to lose them all at once is exactly what the dr ordered.”

When you see the look of disappointment on someone’s face at the result of something, ‘You don’t seem pleased with that result?’ Well quite clearly by the fact they are crying and punching themselves in the head. I think that would be the giveaway there. The best examples of these are during sport. When a race has been run and someone has just come 4^th in the final. They just miss out on a medal. Everything that they have been training towards and they have just by the smallest of margins don’t get to stand on that podium. If they are feeling down about it fear not, there is always the intrepid reporter to cheer them up, ‘you were so close, 4^th place missing out on a medal by 1000000^th of a second, how do you feel?’ I just wish one of these people would turn around and say, ‘How do you think I feel. Thanks for pointing out the fact that I was a pubes width from attaining all my childhood dreams, I am now off to order Kristal by the bucket load.’ The same question would be asked if a runner got disqualified, they are not going to be basking in the glory of the moment now are they?

Sir Alex Ferguson famously went on a media ban. Who can blame him? The crap that some people spout. I was watching the biggest loser last night (yes its back again). One of the contestants basically stayed the same weight. The hosts first question ‘300g lost this week, you don’t look too pleased?’ On a programme where the idea is to drop Kilo’s every week as they are morbidly obese 300g isn’t what is going to win the competition. They slog their guts out 5 hours a day training, eat right (apparently) and then lose 300g! it goes without saying that they are not going to be doing backflips over it just let them get on with it.

It really shows how good people like Michael Parkinson are and were. They ask questions that people want to hear the answer to. They ask about controversial incidents in people’s lives, about what they plan to do next with the project they are working on. About how they came to be in the situation they were. Not ‘a tornado swept through your house destroying everything, how does that make you feel?’ There is an art to it. I love a bit of trash TV as much as the next person, where I don’t have to think to understand what is going on and can easily keep up, but even my limited little brain gets cheesed off and shuts down a bit when I hear those damn stupid questions, when everyone clearly knows the answer. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

The very special partners of rugby players

The rugby girlfriend or wife is a special breed. For 6 months of the year they get their partners undivided attention. For the other 6 months they have to compete with their partner getting beat up on a Saturday and aching all over, thus making movement on a Sunday very difficult.

With the rugby season fast approaching, this is what is facing the partners of the players. Of course it depends at what level you play at. If you just play social rugby then you will probably kick off earlier, the level of intensity will be lower and therefore it won’t be as taxing plus the fact that you may well be home earlier so that those dinner plans that you promised may actually go ahead. There inlays its own problems for the partner. The name ‘Social Rugby’ is exactly that. It is very, very social. Normally after a game, before anyone has even taken their kit off they will have a beer in hand. This is the theme for the rest of the afternoon. If there is a big game on the tv people tend to hang around the club to watch it with their mates and enjoy a few more light refreshments. This in turn leads to quite a few guys going home sozzled to partners that have seen it all before. Normally there is just a roll of the eyes when they realise that the romantic evening with a  bottle of red and Love Actually on the tele will be replaced with slurring talk, a drunken fondle and then some snoring.

At the higher levels of the sport, there is the training to contend with as well. Most teams will train twice a week, that means no plans can be made on what is normally Tuesday and Thursday. We will usually come home around about 830ish unless there are beers at the club which means a later arrival home or if you live further away then, obviously you will get home later. Some clubs train 4 times a week. That is pretty much professional and leaves not a lot of time for anything else. They will have Friday nights off, but they won’t go and socialise with a game the next day. This is the case for all clubs that play at a high enough level. You tend not to go out on the Friday night as your performance will be hindered the next day and if you want to play your best this is obviously detrimental to that. So there goes the option of going out on a Friday. It does though mean you can have a nice night in at home or go out for a nice dinner, so there you go ladies it’s not all bad.

Rugby clubs have a reputation for boozing and nudity for a reason. It does happen. This is an understandable reason why some people may want to give them a wide berth whether their partner is playing or not (if not then what the hell were you thinking about going down there for anyway!?!). Even if they do come and watch, they may not be able to drag their other half away from the festivities when they want to go. There is very much a camaraderie feeling amongst the players. You go out, get your face smashed in by huge men for each other, putting your body on the line every time you cross that line. This leads to tightness and respect amongst each other, respect that is best shown over many a beer!

Just when they think it’s all over as you have retired, comes the sting in the tale. You are down there all day. You get there early to have a beer before the game, then during the game a few more, then you have to have a beer with the boys that you used to play with. Now instead of having only a couple of hours having a drink after the game, you have been on the source for 6 hours, get in. We don’t do it every week (well some do and how they can do it is beyond me) there are times when a night in after the game with the mrs is the perfect way to end the day. Yes they are very special people the rugby girlfriend and wife and we love you, but it’s time to play some rugger! That is the thought for the day, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

why people why? 22/03/2012

To all the people that queue up overnight for a sale or to get a glimpse of a celebrity. GET A LIFE. The celebrity thing more than the sales but the sales is bad enough.

For example, when there is a big preview screening of a film in Leicester Square, where the actors and actresses turn up to watch it, people get there the night before to ensure that they get a good sport on the red carpet. All this gives them is the chance to see someone that earns a lot of money walk past them. Wow, how exciting. You see people, in all types of weather conditions, standing there just waiting. Surely, they must have something else that they could be doing. Then you get the news reporters who always use the line ‘the people have been braving the conditions to be here.’ Off they go to find a family of 13 that have been there since 5 o’clock the day before. Its normally ok for them as the parents are claiming as many benefits as they can so they probably don’t have anything else to do. The reporter will ask the kids of the family if they are enjoying it and they will scream down the mic how much they love a pop star or an actor and how they are going to be like them one day, here’s reality – no chance, shit isn’t it. I have to take my hat off to those reporters though. They must be thinking, these sad bastards, standing here all day and night to see someone walk past them for 5 minutes. If it wasn’t for them the reporters could have got a nice early night or been able to have a story about someone trying to save a local park or something as exciting.

Then the stars appear. They walk the red carpet, stand and pose for photos and talk into microphones. Do the people that get there the night before and then scream at them from the top of their lungs think that they have a given right to be remembered for their dedication, here’s reality – no chance. All they are doing is making a damn awful racket and blocking up the pathway that I want to walk down the gits (shaking fist at screen).

I think they are worse than the sales people, but they are not high on my list of people I respect. Yes I know you shoppers out there amongst us will say that there are great deals to be had and you have to get there early, I am fine with that, get there early, but don’t camp overnight. Then you get the people that say ‘I live too far away.’ I am sure there is a shopping centre near you that has all the big stores that are offering the big discounts. The doors open on some of these sales at 4am. Thank god I am not an employee of those stores then, Getting into work for such a  ridiculous hour to see a throng of people waiting, salivating at the glass doors just to buy some clothes that you have ample amounts of stock for the next 4 days in the back. The security guards start to open the doors and BANG, it’s on. It’s dog eat dog. People rush forward so the doors fling open, they sprint into the shop, sliding on the polished floor trying madly to see where the items they want are. People are pushed over, if you go down then you are in trouble. The stampede waits for no man, woman or child, you cannot get in the way of the overnight queuer. After the initial hour, there is shit everywhere. Clothes are thrown from hangers and displays, and quite incredibly there is enough stuff that someone that wants to come at say 11 o’clock can saunter in and have a nice mosey around. If you ask me give me a nice warm bed any day. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Irish by the grace of god...

Can someone please tell me why on earth everyone becomes Irish for one day of the year? Being an Englishman my national holiday should be St. Georges Day. I didn’t even know there was a St George’s Day until I was about 15 years old. I definitely knew there was a St. Patricks Day long before that.

Now I know that a lot of countries celebrate their national days. In Australia there are BBQ’s galore, parties in back gardens and a day off from work. In South Africa they celebrate their national day as well. Obviously America have to have some kind of national day. As soon as one country in the world does it then the Yanks have to get involved, ramp up the stakes and put on show that no other country in the world can compete with, or gives a toss about. For some unbeknown reason England does bugger all when it comes to St Georges Day. A few pubs put out England flags and some people dress up in their England regalia on the only day that they won’t look as knobby in it as they usually do. People still go to work, the furthest that most go is ordering a pint of Carling (piss water) in a Weatherspoon, happy St Georges Day.

That is very much not the case when it comes to St Patricks Day. People plan what pub they are going to, who they are going there with, if they need to get their early?! All these are big questions. If it falls on a Tuesday, who cares, we are still all off to get ourselves pished right up. Well is it St. Patricks Day after all. Every pub will be advertising about it. Obviously the Irish pubs will be big on the whole St. Patricks Day thing but that is to be expected. What I don’t quite get is the Bull’s Knackers run by ‘Big Keith’ is so excited about it. Yes I know it could be a nice earner but the closest thing that the pub has to being remotely Irish is a Guinness tap.

I like St. Patricks Day. I have drunk myself into a stupor on more than one St Patricks Day. Do I know why I did it? Hell no. Do I care? Hell no, it was St Patricks Day after all, it would have been rude not to. I do just find it fascinating as to why people choose this day, all over the world whether you have any association with it or not, to celebrate. It’s not as if you hear people say, ‘right guys, 3^rd night of Diwali tonight, must all go out and set off some fireworks and have a party.’ It is great fun though and long may it continue, let’s have more days I say, more more more. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters.

Beware the boozy lunch

Thursday. This is the first day that it is pretty acceptable to go on  a boozy lunch. Everyone loves to have a boozy lunch. As soon as the boss buys a pint then you know it is on. The chances of going back to the office  are very slim, and the chances of getting pissed right up are very high. You are getting paid to drink!!!! Need I say more?

There is something about going to the pub and ordering a couple of beers at lunchtime. You see all the other people in their suits running around to get themselves are far too expensive sandwich or salad, whilst you kick back, a cold one in front of you checking out which burger you are going to order. The feeling is one, I reckon, of smugness. Yes the chances are that you will not actually eat and therefore just booze on through, thus very much increasing the chances of making a tit of yourself, but hey who cares, you are not in the office.

The main reason for a boozy lunch is obviously entertaining clients. This can be a mine field though. As clients don’t have to worry about the bill, or going back to the office to deal with anyone else, you can feel pressured into really giving it horns with them. I have seen many a person stagger their way into the office declaring that they only had a couple of beers and they got away lightly, only to fall asleep at their desk and start to dribble a bit. That is the thing that people forget. Yes I know I stated that the chances of going back to the office are slim but there is still a chance. If you do go back to the office, you still need to be able to perform on you’re A game. This can be hard. No lunch and 4 pints in an hour or 8 in 2, are not conducive to impressing other clients.

I used to be definitely from the school of, ‘my god I am brilliant when I am drunk.’ This illusion was horribly shattered when I heard a voicemail I left with a mate and also saw a note I wrote to a DJ at the pub I worked in. Wow is the only word that can describe it. There is no way that if I do get myself in a state of inebriation that I will be good for anyone at all. I am also one of those people that if they have 2 and then have a wee then that is it. Every 3-4 minutes I am making another trip to the gents so that everyone in the pub think I have a rather unhealthy coke habit. Put this in the office. Knowing my luck, as I get the important call that will last an hour, the need will hit. This will lead to much leg shaking, teeth gritting and bladder holding and therefore the concentration would not be what it should be.

Listen to me. I sound like a business owner trying not promote the boozy lunch!! I am disgusted with myself. Thursdays are a great time to go for a boozy lunch. Let’s get back on track. Thursday nights, if you work in town, are great nights. There are loads of people out and about, looking to have a good time. On a Friday after work you will get a lot of people staying around for a couple of drinks then they tend to slink off home. I would therefore recommend the Thursday long lunch. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

They don't make em like they used to

Remember the glory days of kids tv back when you were of an age to appreciate it more. Classics such as Sharky and George, Thundercats, Fireman Sam, Playdays but to name a few, graced our screens. Now these afore mentioned programmes were pretty normal. They were just cartoons, the characters spoke English and were mostly human. Yes there is Bagpuss and The Magic Roundabout that were weird, but I believe it was a glory time for kiddies programmes.

Now you look at children programmes and think, ‘what kind of drugs have the people that came up with this shit been taking?’ The normal cartoons where you have a hero like Captain Planet or Rude Dogg and his gang of Dweebs, are gone. They are replaced by Teletubbies and the things that are ‘In the Night Garden.’ Iggle Piggle I believe is a prominent character in that and is never in bed when he should be the bastard!!

I don’t think children’s tv shows and drug taking is that new. As I said before, the Magic Roundabout was extremely weird. That can only have been concocted by someone that is taking some kind of, at least, hallucinogenic. Where else could you find a reason for having a plasticine dog and all his mates that go round on a magic roundabout, the signs were there. No one in their right mind could surely come up with that? Yes a cartoon, an immature cartoon, where dogs, cats, monkeys, trees talk is one thing but some of the stuff that was said as well, looking back now as an adult and listening, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what was being insinuated.

Another example is Rainbow. A talking head with a Zip for a mouth, a Blue Hippo a normal man? Very strange. If you have not already seen it, please type rainbow into youtube and see what comes up. There is a superb episode where they are quite clearly talking about sex. If only that was shown, now that is an educational programme. (Let’s see how many people go and do that now).

How many people reading this would have seen the new crop of shows? I reckon most would have seen Teletubbies at some point. Where the creators thought that making a big round ball with eyes talk in what can only be described as jibber jabber. That’s not talking, fortunately the voice over is fluent in ‘tubby’ and can relate to the audience what is indeed being said. How many acid crazed binges do you reckon prompted the person that wrote that to come up with those wonderful and harmonised gargles?

Fast forward a few years and I am visiting my cousin. At the time he had a 2 year old boy. At bed time on went ‘In the Night Garden.’ I can honestly say I was unbelievably confused as to what was going on and who was talking. The only thing I did understand was that Iggle Piggle the shit would not go to bed!! I don’t have kids of my own yet so I am not up to date with a lot of the programmes that are on. I reckon though if I sought out the writers I would discover the same guys that grew the weed for Rory Breaker in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. They don’t make em like they used to. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Holiday....Celebrate

The worst fears about the start/end of a holiday…..lost luggage. You shoot off the plane, zip along the corridors until you reach the luggage carousel. Now you jostle your way for a good spot. You stand where you think the bags are going to come out so you see them first and there will be no way of someone else taking your bag, only to be disappointed and realise the carousel goes round the other way. Oh well this is just a minor set-back. Here is a question for you all at the start, why when the carousel starts up does it always take about 5 minutes before the first bag arrives?! Everyone gets all excited when you hear that jolt and the thing starts moving, then nothing, just empty rubber mats joined together going round and round and round.

The first bags appear. The excitement grows, ‘Is it my one?.’ It never is. Your bag is never the first off the plane, you always have to stand in suspense. There is always a nice gap between sets of luggage. At first it is just a dribble of bags coming through. One very minute or so, then it is rush hour. Bags come out non-sop, there are bags on top of one another. Even if you can’t initially see your bag then there is always hope as some are buried under other peoples. You see people leaning in and collecting their luggage. The annoying sod that was sitting near you on the flight always gets theirs before you. ‘I hope that bastard didn’t take my bag.’ Such irrational thinking, why the hell would they want to take a bag that doesn’t have any of their stuff in it, but we all think it. More and more bags come out but yours doesn’t appear. Then for some reason there is a lull in proceedings. Still have of the passengers that were on the plane are around the carousel but no more bags are coming. The one bag that came out right at the start is still going round, it always happens. Why does that always happen? There is one bag that someone forgets or isn’t there to collect. On this point, how do you forget a bag?!?!? But anyway the wait continues. The familiar clonking of luggage coming up the ramp before falling onto the carousel fills you with renewed hope. People are starting to pick up their luggage and rift off. There is noticeably less people around now. Uh oh, where is mine? Please let it come out.

The luggage flow is back down to a trickle again now. There are very few people left. The big family that have bought 900 suitcases with them and have 899 of them are always still there waiting for that last piece. The kids are running riot as they managed to sleep on the plane. The parents couldn’t sleep and are now pissed right off, giving stern tellings off when one of the children come within ear shot. This does not help you. The families stuff comes out and they drift off leaving you, alone, with the one bag that was there from the start going round, teasing you.

Bollocks. There is no denying it now, your bag is not coming out. Off you trek to the airline counter. The people behind the lost luggage counter look so disinterested that they may as well be on Mars. You report your lost luggage, the people behind the counter mumble something at you in a monotone that makes you want to slap them right across the face. ‘We can’t guarantee you a time frame when you r luggage will be here’, is the normal line that you will be faces with. Oh great I have got the clothes on my back and nothing else. They will offer a paltry sum of money to allow you to go to a second hand shop or a tramp and buy the clothes that they have in there (unless of course you are going home and you have your clothes there), and you leave your contact details with them.

You can only hope that your suitcase turns up before your holiday is over, if indeed you are going on your holiday when this happens. It has to be one of the most frustrating things. I have known a good few people that have been in the unfortunate position that this has happened to, here’s to hand luggage!!! That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Festival Fun and Frolics

This weekend I attending Future Music Festival in Sydney. The music was class. The line-up was so good that there was no way I could allow it to pass me by. The one and only Fatboy Slim was there and he wasn’t even headlining it! I mean now I’m sure you can imagine how I had to go.

The weather was great. After the week of weather that we have had, it was a georgeously blue sky, and the excitement was building. That was until me and my girlfriend reached central station, to be greeted by what can only be described as a ‘swarm of dickheads.’ I am pretty sure that is the official way to describe them, maybe it’s a gaggle, please discuss. Well after negotiating a way through the sea/swarm/school/gaggle of dickheads we found ourselves in the queue for the bus. This was the strangest queue I had ever been in. It was at some points 4 people wide and at others about 8 people wide, but to be fair it did move pretty quickly. It was in this queue that I noticed the ‘uniform.’ I had been previously warned by my girlfriend about the uniform, but until I saw it I could not believe it. All the blokes had on plimsole shoes. I wore these in P.E when I was 4 years old and was embarrassed by them, now apparently they are cool to wear to a music festival, boy I am not down with the kids. The girls (who’s average age of 14 for an over 18s festival) all seemed to merge into one. They all had peroxide blonde hair, short denim shorts and had sprayed themselves a colour that you would run a mile from if you saw it coming out of your house. We are in Australia!!! You can get burnt on the most overcast days, yet apparently spray tan is a good idea, wow.

The bus journey was great. There were people that had got on the source very early who quite clearly could not handle it. They were load and obnoxious on the bus, or in some cases puking on the side of the road at 2.15 in the afternoon. When I went past a puker I had to give a point and a ‘wahey, well played’ salute, mighty fine work indeed. If we weren’t yet sick of queuing there was one more. The dreaded queue to get in. It was in this queue that I saw the full extent of the ‘uniform.’ In front of us was a beluga whale. For some reason she thought it a good idea to wear a tight pink vest top which exaggerated her figure mmmmm mmmmmm. Not only that she has quite clearly rubbed a hell of a lot of Vaseline and animal fat on her legs to squeeze herself very unnecessarily into the shortest, tightest pair of shorts I have ever seen. Oh how that button must have been screaming to be released, I feared that she would bend over in front of us and that would be the end of them, thank god for small mercies we didn’t have that befall us.

The uniform didn’t just stop at this though, oh no. There was a stringent dress code for men too. You had to be wearing a string vest, and if you are built like a brick out house and have tattoo’s then you must be topless. If you are seen wearing a top and are like this then you are immediately flung out of the group and have rotten tomatoes thrown at you. these guys tend to stand around and hardly move to the music. If they do move then it is arms out by the sides singing, I love gym, I love meat, I love roids, that is about it.

Once through the stringent security (that didn’t check my pockets at all) we were in. Now where to go? There were two main stages that you quite clearly had to work out for yourself which one you wanted to go to as there was a distinct lack of information about. Luckily being the geniuses that we are, we found our stage and parked ourselves for the day. I was happily collecting a tan and having a rave, whilst Lisa too was having a good old dance. None of our actions suggested in any way that the 2 inches of space that we had to ourselves was a walkway. Apparently that was our mistake and indeed it was a walkway. Now someone saying ‘excuse me’ and then slipping past I have no problem with what-so-ever. Someone just pushing past though is another thing. The elbows come out, I stand rigid and hope that they can’t get past. If I am walking towards them I will happily give them the shoulder and watch them bounce off. Add to this the fact that the sea/swarm/school/gaggle of dickheads were now walking around together in link chains! They would walk along hand in hand stretching right out so that no one can go past them. Just walk round!!! It isn’t hard, I delighted in a couple of trips that I did, you see one stumble and then stand back and enjoy the domino effect. All the while having a good old dance so that you are above suspicion, superb.

I remember being an immature 13 year old. The first time I was allowed out on my own with friends to London. I was running around everywhere, thinking I was really cool to be allowed out. Looking back on that I am pretty sure that people looked at me and thought ‘pah, kids.’ I had an excuse. I was 13 years old and allowed out in the big city with no adult supervision for the first time, it was brilliant!!! Now at 18 years old this had worn off. I was even allowed by my parents to stay up past midnight! The kids at Future on Saturday were another level. You would hope that they would grow out of it but alas no. There is no hope for these retards I suppose. Running everywhere, screaming, swearing and spitting. It is not cool, no one is impressed by it, but apparently they think it is. I shall stop there as this is a topic of much discussion that I will go into at a later date.

After all this I really enjoyed the festival would you believe. The queuing for drinks was ridiculous and the security might as well not have been there, but the music was good and my immediate company great. It was topped off beautifully by the hour journey on the bus back to the train station. It is a 30 minute walk!! The festival finished at 10, as did the football match and the food festival that were all in the area, some great planning by the Sydney council there. There was some entertainment though as a young’un that had quite clearly drunk too much and was dehydrated fell off his chair and was lying on the ground. I was tempted to do a ‘wahey’ and point but thought better of it. Festivals are bloody great don’t you agree. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

The politics of the work drinks

The good old Friday night drinks after work. I have personally found that when you are in a small company these drinks are a bit more enjoyable. When you work as part of a large organisation then you tend to get lost in the crowd,  especially if you are new.

When working for a small company it is always great to finish work for the week and go to the pub with what become your mates. There aren’t that many of you and unless you are a social recluse or a complete weirdo, the chances are you will get along with most people. Now obviously if you work with one other person and you can’t stand each other the chances of going for drinks are slim but those cases are few. When you work for a smaller company you can be a lot busier as they are trying to grow and the work load that they get is shared over less people. This makes that first sip of your particular poison all the more sweeter. The getting up at a ridiculous hour is over for a couple of days, sitting at your desk for 8 hours is no more until Monday, you can do what you want when you want. I can just taste that first cold one now, oh how I wish it was my time to clock off.

When in a big company it can be a bit different. There are 100’s if not 1000’s of employees in the building even on your floor. There is no way that you will be able to get to know everyone. It is guaranteed though that the people you know will know others. Yes you will be introduced unless as previously stated the person you work with is socially inept, but they will have their things that they can talk about, their adventures that they relate to and you can feel left out. Now please don’t go feeling sorry for me as this is yet to happen to me, I am not saying it won’t, but so far so good. Then there is the very harsh situation where the team you work with is the team that no one socialises with?!? Now this is a very hard situation to be in. On the one hand they are the people that you will be working closely with for 40 hours of the week, the people that will help you out of you get stuck, the people that may make you a cup of tea if they are making one. On the other hand, you just want some friends. I know I have been absolutely superb at giving advice so far on this blog but I’m afraid in this one you are on your own. Each situation is different and I don’t want to put my head on the chopping block and say one thing only for it to be wrong in your situation. I am sorry kids but I can’t and won’t do it.

There is also the politics of the drinking. Someone earns more than you, they buy you a round, it is a big round, do you have to return the compliment? Now if you don’t you look cheap and a taker, if you do, you and your family may not be able to eat for the next month. This again is a toughy. For this I would say weigh up the situation. If they earn a hell of a lot more than you and they know it then don’t worry about it. For example you are their admin person, or their secretary, then I say take take take. They won’t be expecting to be bought back a drink by you, but do it every-so-often but just for them. It will go down well and the bank balance will stay in the green. Another variant is the person with the company credit card. Can you try and wrangle it so that you can get your drinks on the company. Again you don’t want to look like the cheap prick that only comes out when the company card is out or there is little chance of having to dig into their pockets (everyone knows at least one person like this), but on the other hand, that person isn’t actually paying for the drinks or will get the money back so why should you have to pay.

Finally there is the ‘I can only stay for one.’ You know you have plans on. You don’t have time to go home and change or they may be close to where you work so you might as well stay out. If someone buys you a drink it is a very poor show to then leave without buying them one back. Aaaaaaaaah this is a dilemma. The wife/husband will not be impressed if you turn up 30 mins late due to you feeling it is your duty for just one more. To avoid this scenario offer to buy the first one. Explain your situation, you will be understood. If you are lucky you will hear those fine words ‘don’t worry mate, I’ll get this one it’s all good’ or something along those lines. If this is heard then you know you are on easy street and you have scored a great win.

This is the darker side of the politics involved in the work drinks, but don’t let this put you off, they are great. People are in high spirits, the working week is over and you don’t have to get out of bed tomorrow so see you all down the boozer!!! That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else.

A new type of rage

I was not going to write about this topic today, but due to circumstances and events I feel the need to have a good old rant. Umbrella rage!!

This rage is not as wide known and acknowledged as say road rage but trust me it is there. Today the rain is Sydney is torrential. It has been incessant for 14 hours causing all kinds of chaos. Some trains have been stopped, buses are taking ages to get anywhere because of diversions in place and more people being in their cars and umbrella rage is upon us.

An umbrella is a necessity, especially in weather like this, so you would assume that people would expect other people to be walking along with an umbrella as well. Apparently not. They assume that they are the only one clever enough to have thought to bring an umbrella out with them today and for this reason should get right of way. There are a few building sites around the city, with a scaffold walkway being used to allow people to walk past. As I’m sure you all  have walked under one of these before you know that they aren’t the widest walkways. You cannot walk around someone by stepping into the road, or walk in a line of 5 strung out across the road so thought must go into it. There is normally one single file queue of people going up one side and another single file of people going the other way, giving the people as much space as possible. Not, it seems when people have umbrellas. It is a free for all. People see a space and dart for it, not thinking that although their body will fit in that space, the umbrella they are carrying will not. Why do they care though. It’s not their forehead they will poke, they are not the ones that will get wet. You see their victims give them daggers as they get wet/knocked about, but the culprits just walk on as if nothing is the matter. I am pretty damn certain these are the same people that wear their sun glasses on the train or inside somewhere (please see earlier blog, shameless plug). I also would put a hefty sum of money on it that they would be the first to complain should it happen to them.

My favourite thing of all though is when you knock umbrellas with someone. They look at you as if you have just picked your nose and flicked it at them. It’s not as if you meant it to happen, but according to them you are not allowed to be in their space with your umbrella. They have the best umbrella and are the only person allowed to have one and who betide you who want to walk in the same vicinity as they are.

Another bit of umbrella etiquette is that you shake your umbrella behind you, as long as there is no one directly in line. Now yours truly was the victim of one such dickhead that thought it perfectly acceptable to shake her umbrella in front of her. Now thank god she didn’t get wet, that would have been a travesty and I would have felt awful, I am just so relieved that she made the back of my leg soaking. Look you fat turd just turn around, it won’t expand that much energy I promise, and the seat you are so desperate to have will not get up and run off the second you turn your back.

Now I know this problem isn’t limited to Sydney. I have seen umbrella rage in London too, but I have never seen it so up close and obvious as I have here. It is still raining outside, oh how I look forward to the fights and scenes of horror that await me as I go and get my lunch. That is the thought/rant for the day, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Time for a holiday, are you sure?

Here I go, I am about to divide a nation or many nations again. This topic of discussion I think is probably best left to the higher powers in the white house or the United Nations. The proper think tanks that get paid a hell of a lot of money to think and write about matters that most are unwilling or unable to talk about. I am going to make an attempt….Camping. Is camping really a holiday?

Now I know there are very strong views for and against and I promise to try and be as impartial as my non-campnig tinted glasses allow, but there may be some bias noticeable in some of my points. As the people that actually pay attention may have noticed, I don’t think that camping is a holiday. Yes, when I’m at a music festival or and outdoor overnight stay then camping cannot be avoided and even I would argue that for a couple of nights camping is fun. You get the feeling that you are one with nature, you are there in your tent snuggled up in your sleeping bag hearing everything that mother nature throws at you outside. It is very relaxing to be lying in your tent at night and hear the light rain drops hit the plastic coverings. There is never any problem with losing your room keys. All you need to do is open the zip, pull down the flap and in you go, no worries at all. There is though the flip side to this point. How secure is your tent. I am going to say not very. All someone needs to do is open the zip, pull down the flap and there are all your belongings that you couldn’t fit into your pockets to take with. Obviously you don’t leave any valuables behind in your tent, that goes without saying (even I know that).

You actually have to make up your own room!!! You have to get those sticks, slide them through the inner layer so that your tent has a body. The you have to put the outer layer over that and tie them together so it doesn’t fly off. After that you have to find a soft bit of ground so that you can hammer in the pegs (which themselves are a hazard), to stop your tent flying off. If it’s windy this job is made doubly difficult. You need at least 2 people to put the outside covering over or it just goes everywhere and you will get a very frustrated person (usually dad). A great start to the holiday. Where is the room service!?!?

The pegs. Now the pegs are a nightmare. You have those ropes that go down to them but in the pitch black you can see bugger all. You are guaranteed to at least once trip over the pegs or the ropes. This in turn wakes up the person in the tent and potentially causes the loss of a tent should no one be in it. Not only that you will get one hell of a sore foot if you are wearing flip flops. Again not my idea of fun.

It is a very social experience. Unless you are a hunter, or a complete and utter weirdo, then you don’t go camping on your own. You go with a  group of friends, take some drinks and some food and have a good old time. Now in my view that good old time I speak of can only last for a maximum of 2 nights. There is only so long people can go without a proper shower and if you are camping properly, a proper toilet. Guaranteed your toilet roll will run out within the first 3 hours as someone will have a dodgy stomach and so leaves it is. Be very careful which leaves you use, you do not want to use a nice bit of poison ivy (if that is the right shape or size I have no idea) on your most prized possessions!!!

This brings me nicely onto the food. How many sandwiches can you eat? Yes I know there are those gas stoves that you can get with pots and pans, but for me, I can’t be bothered to lug them about. How are you going to properly wash them after the first use? The smell is just going to attract animals from all over the place to come and have a buffet of either your dinner or you. Imagine this. You are a dog owner. Your dog normally jumps up on the bed with you or gives your feet a loving nuzzle/lick at night. It has become so regular that you sleep through it and even think it feels nice. Well let me tell you if a bear does it, it isn’t a loving nuzzle or lick they are just seasoning you, preparing you for what their dinner, ‘kids we are eating like kings tonight, I got me a big’un.’ ‘Have you seasoned it properly, you know it was horrible last time.’ ‘Yep sure have, licked him all over this time.’ How can  you sleep properly knowing that this might happen.

If you do it a s a family holiday with young kids then the adults will definitely need a holiday after. You have to ensure that the children are entertained and fed at all times. If there is a lake nearby then bloody brilliant. There is a good source of food and entertainment all in one. Let them loose out there, swimming, swinging into the water anything they want so that when it goes dark they are knackered. Then all you need to do is a little feeding and off they pop to bed, giving you time to relax.

Rubbish, you have to keep tabs on your rubbish. You can’t let it just fly everywhere. 1) that is no good for the environment and 2) animals. You do not want to give them any reason to come near your camp. You may have to store the rubbish somewhere until you can find a bin. Who wants that?! I just want to be able to put my rubbish in a bin!

Finally the mess. You have to live out of your bag. You can’t put your clothes away anywhere. There are no wardrobes or drawers to nicely fold your clothes away in. They are going to get covered in shit no matter how hard you try to avoid it. You then have to either take a spare bag to put the shit covered clothes in, take all your clean clothes out of your bag so that the shit covered clothes can go in there or if you are a real scumbag and don’t give a toss, put your shit covered clothes in with the new. Oh goody. Give me a nice hotel room, or even a not nice hotel room any day. I don’t have to clean up after myself, I have a toilet that I can use and food cooked for me instead of being food,. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Conventional Wisdom

Conventions, now they are strange things. You either choose to go to one for pleasure or you are made to go to one for work. You go into what is usually a big empty room to be confronted by a plethora of stalls and people sitting/standing at them promoting their product.

May I suggest that if you are going to a convention then you go with someone. It can be very awkward when walking past a stall that could be someones livelihood, and taking a quick look, ignoring them and moving on. Think of how annoying/awkward it is when you walk into a shop and you are the only one in there. The shop assistant immediately is on you, like a hawk on a mouse - ‘Do you need any help?’. The response is always ‘No mate just looking thanks.’ Now multiply that by about 10 fold. Instead of having a nice big shop with some clothes or big stands to hide behind, you have to stand there in front of a table, in a 3 sided box less than the size of a small toilet and try and say ‘No thanks, just looking.’ Now even if you can do that I bet you can still feel that person’s eyes bearing into you, trying to see inside your very soul.

Let’s focus on the work convention. I had to go to one of these things just today I’ll have you know, yes very exciting for the both of us. It was to do with stationary. I see that has piqued even more of your interest. I can honestly say I cannot believe how much people have to say about pens and paper. There are a lot of innovations out there, I do have to say I am impressed. At one particular stall, we were talking to a lady from one of our suppliers. She could not get her words out quick enough. It was as if she had a script that she had written and learnt the night before and she was shit scared of forgetting her lines. My god, trying to understand what she said was hard but when you take into account that she was talking about pens and the type of ink they use then it was nigh on impossible. I don’t care really if this pen uses an ink that makes it impossible to forge a signature (bollocks by the way), or if a certain pen was hugely popular with students. Why did she think that last bit of information would have interested me?! On my name badge (oh yes there are name badges and I will touch on that in a sec) it says what company I am from. Surely this is an indication to the speed demon that I am not interested in what pens the kids these days are getting. There are people everywhere trying to network, to get an advantage on their competition and you are the target.

The convention that you choose to go to is a competely different beast. Yes there are still the stalls, and the people staring at you but you want to talk to them. You probably have so many questions for the people at the stall that there aren't enough hours in the day. There are conventions for everything. Obviously the most well known are the sci-fi ones. Every character that you can think of from a sci-fi programme or comic is there. People get really into it by dressing up as their favourite characters or just wearing the uniform.

The people at the stalls are also a very eclectic mix.There are the ones that as mentioned before talk at 500,000 miles a minute about the crap they are selling, there are the very energetic and charismatic sales people that could sell ice to the eskimoes and should be at times on stage and then there are the people that sit there. They wait for you to aproach their stall and when you do they will give you a cursory glance. Only if they think you are genuinely interested in what they are selling and they may make some money down the line will you be worthy of their time. Their time is precious, so don't you be wasting it. To these people I say 'why the hell do you bother?!' Just don't turn up and do everyone else a favour.

Long live the convention. Whoever thought of this weird get together of like-minded or business-orientated people created what has become one of the best things to look at and watch. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

　

Money money money....Money money

The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. That is the common problem with the world at the moment. With the global recession going on there seems to be no rest bite for those just about treading water.

How can the big banks and lenders of this world justify the bonuses that they give out to their executives? Here is why they get the big bonuses. Who signs off on whether the bonuses are given out….yes that is right, the CEO’s. Who takes home bonuses of 10’s of millions? Yes that’s right the CEO’s, starting to see the picture? The claim that they make the company a lot of money therefore deserve the payout is complete and utter bollocks. The sit in their grand office, probably have a nap on their sofa with the tv on answer a couple of email and phone calls then have a 6 hours lunch with ‘clients.’ These clients tend to be other CEO’s of other banks or lenders that will do a deal with them that will enable both the companies to get an insane amount of money but none of it will drip down.

I think that the people lower down the food chain, the everyday admin people should leave then let’s see what will happen. Each transaction that a company takes a part in has to be recorded. If the people that know how to enter those trades and keep track of those trades left then what would the big wigs be able to do? They wouldn’t be able to sit in their office masturbating over their $500-a-glass bottle of whiskey whilst they get midgets to dance for them! Their companies would fall from around them. Annoyingly the guys that are at the top very rarely have had to work their way there from the bottom. Had they done so they would probably have more of an appreciation for what is done lower down the ranks. They all get good degrees in top uni’s that they get scholarships for. they come out of them and go straight into mid-range management or high powered trading position. They already earn 6 figures as their basic salary. Now I know the bonus schemes tend to be a percentage of your salary so obviously they are going to get a higher bonus than a lower paid employee will get, I am fine with that but no way should they be earning the money they are, especially now. You see footage of them fronting congress in the USA and them getting grilled about where the money has gone? How can they justify taking that money home? I didn’t want to have to write a blog entry like this but it really pisses me off. I implore you all to watch the film ‘Inside Job’ and not see where I am coming from.

Yes there is a lot of money in banking. A hell of a lot more in it than say if you own a pub. Yes the pressures are higher but the hours are definitely not longer. They get in at 7/8 in the morning and probably leave about 6 or so. When they leave it is probably to go wine and dine at some ridiculously overpriced restaurant that feels that they can charge $100 for a pea on a plate and some nice presentation! No!!!! These people have to get in touch with real life again. Tax them hard, seize their assets, sack them so they are not making that money, put them in jail for some of the things that they have done to everyday people. Making them invest in things that they themselves wouldn’t go anywhere near just so their personal coffers will swell by probably another 10k!!!

The worst thing about it all is this. These peoples kids are going to be the next generation of wankers. They will get everything on a silver platter and then be the only people that can afford the fees to university. They will be the ones coming out of uni with the degrees to go in the high powered jobs and therefore the money will stay in the family. The rich will get richer the poor will get poorer. Oh well let’s see what will happen. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Stick it to the man

Downloading: there is no loser. Before you argue that the film industry loses out, look how much money is in films. If studios can afford to play lead actors/actresses $10million a film to, lets be honest, eat well, lay about, work out and snog each other, then I am not going to lose much sleep for people to download films.

When it comes to music, yes there is a difference. If an artist is just starting out and people go out and download their music of course it is going to effect how much money they make. I do feel slightly sorry for the artists concerned. This sympathy soon wanes when 1) they get to number 1 on the charts on downloads alone, 2) I go to buy a ticket to see them live and pay more to see them prance around on stage for an hour and half or so than I would on my weekly food shop. Then downloading to me is sweet revenge.

It is fun to download stuff from the internet. You watch how quickly the download takes, seeing it getting closer to getting onto your computer and you can enjoy it. If you get a series or a film recommended to you and you missed it, no fear, the internet is your friend.

You watch a TV series, you get very into said series. You can't be bothered to wait a week for the next episode. what do you do? Yes you are right my minions - download it. When it's downloaded you don't have to worry about advert breaks, or waiting to see the next episode, it is all easy peasy.

There have a good few series that have dragged on far too long. Luckily for me i didn't bother to watch Lost. Seven series of that crap and the build up to the last episode was the biggest thing since the Queen took the throne. It was shown in the UK at the same time as it was in the US, it was going to be brilliant. People had waited years to see how it was going to end, the excitement was fever pitch. My boss came in late to work after watching it. I asked him how it was, his exact response: 'what a pile of shit.' People waited so long for that just to be disappointed. Had people just downloaded things then they can whiz through it, if they don't like the series then they can just give up and move onto the next.

The way that the future is looking, it's all about downloading. No matter how much the artists/film companies complain there is nothing that can be done. The amount of sites you can stream programmes from let alone download things from are always increasing. The power is now with the everyday Joe and they can't take it. I don't see why it is 'illegal' to download. It is one of those things that everyone does. I don't know anyone in this day and age that doesn't do it (apart from my nan who bless her isn't quite up to 21st century technology). You get external hardrives that have a terabyte of space on them. That is a ridiculous amount of space, that is not meant to just store documents. They are made for programmes, films and music and therefore encourage the downloading.

Don't you worry if you are a downloading fiend. I am with you my friend. Enjoy the fruits of the internet, what else is it for, as you are here you are obviously reading my blog so you have passsed my test?!!? Get on there and get downloading. Thats the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

Aaaah Lunch time

The good old food court. So many choices, such a small belly. No matter what you choose, I can guarantee you that the persons lunch that you sit next to will look better than yours. You will be jealous and think ‘I wish I got that’ but trust me, don’t worry, they are thinking the same thing.

Where I work there are 3 food courts all within a short distance from each other. One of the food courts is absolutely monstrous. You name the type of food you want you can get it. From Falafell to pizza, Kebabs to gourmet dumplings, hotdogs to Mexican, you can literally spend an hour trying to decide what on earth you want to eat. When you only get an hour for lunch this isn’t the best way to spend it. You go along from outlet to outlet, eyeing up the produce that they have and the decision is just so hard. A little tip for you here and its free, yes that’s right put your money away, try out the independent places, the places you haven’t seen before. The big chains, well you know what they offer and what they taste like but the little places can be hidden gems. They know what they are competing against and know that to get decent business they need to make decent food and that is why I am saying give them a chance first. I am putting my head on the chopping block here by saying that. If you do try the independent place and it takes like you are licking a cats arse then please do not hold me responsible, I don’t cook the food. You obviously made a poor choice, not my fault.

Once you have made up your mind (after changing it 37 times) you then have to play the seat lottery, ‘will I get a seat?’. Now this can be the most challenging part of the whole procedure. If you buy yourself a sandwich or something that can be taken away and eaten somewhere else, you have no problems, if though your food comes on a plate, then this could be a problem. You look like a right dickhead standing up eating off a plate, trust me it should not be done and it isn’t even very comfortable so why bother. Everyone knows the time that is best to go to get a seat. If you are going there with a mate or work colleague this complicates things. Now you are not just looking to perch your own bum, you have to look for two seats that will allow for conversation, and when seats are at a premium this can be tricky. I wish I had some helpful hints for you here but alas I am blank, I have nothing. This one is a fight you have to undertake on your own. The very same problem has happened to me on a number of occasions.

I don’t know why but the food court always seems to be quite a happy place. I very rarely see people angry and annoyed down there. This is probably because people are having something to eat and are out of their office, which is always nice. You never see food queue rage do you in the food court. I mean you get road rage when a driver does something you don’t like, you get tv rage when you have a good old shout at the tv but I have never seen food court rage. Could you imagine it, there would be mash potato being slammed into faces, chicken legs hurled at break neck speed across a room, jacket spuds being used with deadly force, in other words total carnage. Thank god for the lack of food court rage I say (although that would be fun to watch).

It is nearly my time to go and brave the perils of the food court, the familiar thought of what I should get for lunch running through my head. I have changed my mind about 10 times in the past 25 minutes and the fact that its pissing it down outside is also going to have to be taken into consideration. So I leave you with, go to the small guys, I bet you will be pleasantly surprised, don’t worry you made the right choice with what you got and if you got a seat then well done you. That is the thought for the day, tune in tomorrow for something different. Laters