Tuesday 6 March 2012

Time for a holiday, are you sure?

Here I go, I am about to divide a nation or many nations again. This topic of discussion I think is probably best left to the higher powers in the white house or the United Nations. The proper think tanks that get paid a hell of a lot of money to think and write about matters that most are unwilling or unable to talk about. I am going to make an attempt….Camping. Is camping really a holiday?

Now I know there are very strong views for and against and I promise to try and be as impartial as my non-campnig tinted glasses allow, but there may be some bias noticeable in some of my points. As the people that actually pay attention may have noticed, I don’t think that camping is a holiday. Yes, when I’m at a music festival or and outdoor overnight stay then camping cannot be avoided and even I would argue that for a couple of nights camping is fun. You get the feeling that you are one with nature, you are there in your tent snuggled up in your sleeping bag hearing everything that mother nature throws at you outside. It is very relaxing to be lying in your tent at night and hear the light rain drops hit the plastic coverings. There is never any problem with losing your room keys. All you need to do is open the zip, pull down the flap and in you go, no worries at all. There is though the flip side to this point. How secure is your tent. I am going to say not very. All someone needs to do is open the zip, pull down the flap and there are all your belongings that you couldn’t fit into your pockets to take with. Obviously you don’t leave any valuables behind in your tent, that goes without saying (even I know that).

You actually have to make up your own room!!! You have to get those sticks, slide them through the inner layer so that your tent has a body. The you have to put the outer layer over that and tie them together so it doesn’t fly off. After that you have to find a soft bit of ground so that you can hammer in the pegs (which themselves are a hazard), to stop your tent flying off. If it’s windy this job is made doubly difficult. You need at least 2 people to put the outside covering over or it just goes everywhere and you will get a very frustrated person (usually dad). A great start to the holiday. Where is the room service!?!?

The pegs. Now the pegs are a nightmare. You have those ropes that go down to them but in the pitch black you can see bugger all. You are guaranteed to at least once trip over the pegs or the ropes. This in turn wakes up the person in the tent and potentially causes the loss of a tent should no one be in it. Not only that you will get one hell of a sore foot if you are wearing flip flops. Again not my idea of fun.

It is a very social experience. Unless you are a hunter, or a complete and utter weirdo, then you don’t go camping on your own. You go with a  group of friends, take some drinks and some food and have a good old time. Now in my view that good old time I speak of can only last for a maximum of 2 nights. There is only so long people can go without a proper shower and if you are camping properly, a proper toilet. Guaranteed your toilet roll will run out within the first 3 hours as someone will have a dodgy stomach and so leaves it is. Be very careful which leaves you use, you do not want to use a nice bit of poison ivy (if that is the right shape or size I have no idea) on your most prized possessions!!!

This brings me nicely onto the food. How many sandwiches can you eat? Yes I know there are those gas stoves that you can get with pots and pans, but for me, I can’t be bothered to lug them about. How are you going to properly wash them after the first use? The smell is just going to attract animals from all over the place to come and have a buffet of either your dinner or you. Imagine this. You are a dog owner. Your dog normally jumps up on the bed with you or gives your feet a loving nuzzle/lick at night. It has become so regular that you sleep through it and even think it feels nice. Well let me tell you if a bear does it, it isn’t a loving nuzzle or lick they are just seasoning you, preparing you for what their dinner, ‘kids we are eating like kings tonight, I got me a big’un.’ ‘Have you seasoned it properly, you know it was horrible last time.’ ‘Yep sure have, licked him all over this time.’ How can  you sleep properly knowing that this might happen.

If you do it a s a family holiday with young kids then the adults will definitely need a holiday after. You have to ensure that the children are entertained and fed at all times. If there is a lake nearby then bloody brilliant. There is a good source of food and entertainment all in one. Let them loose out there, swimming, swinging into the water anything they want so that when it goes dark they are knackered. Then all you need to do is a little feeding and off they pop to bed, giving you time to relax.

Rubbish, you have to keep tabs on your rubbish. You can’t let it just fly everywhere. 1) that is no good for the environment and 2) animals. You do not want to give them any reason to come near your camp. You may have to store the rubbish somewhere until you can find a bin. Who wants that?! I just want to be able to put my rubbish in a bin!

Finally the mess. You have to live out of your bag. You can’t put your clothes away anywhere. There are no wardrobes or drawers to nicely fold your clothes away in. They are going to get covered in shit no matter how hard you try to avoid it. You then have to either take a spare bag to put the shit covered clothes in, take all your clean clothes out of your bag so that the shit covered clothes can go in there or if you are a real scumbag and don’t give a toss, put your shit covered clothes in with the new. Oh goody. Give me a nice hotel room, or even a not nice hotel room any day. I don’t have to clean up after myself, I have a toilet that I can use and food cooked for me instead of being food,. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters

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