This weekend I attending Future Music Festival in Sydney. The music was class. The line-up was so good that there was no way I could allow it to pass me by. The one and only Fatboy Slim was there and he wasn’t even headlining it! I mean now I’m sure you can imagine how I had to go.
The weather was great. After the week of weather that we have had, it was a georgeously blue sky, and the excitement was building. That was until me and my girlfriend reached central station, to be greeted by what can only be described as a ‘swarm of dickheads.’ I am pretty sure that is the official way to describe them, maybe it’s a gaggle, please discuss. Well after negotiating a way through the sea/swarm/school/gaggle of dickheads we found ourselves in the queue for the bus. This was the strangest queue I had ever been in. It was at some points 4 people wide and at others about 8 people wide, but to be fair it did move pretty quickly. It was in this queue that I noticed the ‘uniform.’ I had been previously warned by my girlfriend about the uniform, but until I saw it I could not believe it. All the blokes had on plimsole shoes. I wore these in P.E when I was 4 years old and was embarrassed by them, now apparently they are cool to wear to a music festival, boy I am not down with the kids. The girls (who’s average age of 14 for an over 18s festival) all seemed to merge into one. They all had peroxide blonde hair, short denim shorts and had sprayed themselves a colour that you would run a mile from if you saw it coming out of your house. We are in Australia!!! You can get burnt on the most overcast days, yet apparently spray tan is a good idea, wow.
The bus journey was great. There were people that had got on the source very early who quite clearly could not handle it. They were load and obnoxious on the bus, or in some cases puking on the side of the road at 2.15 in the afternoon. When I went past a puker I had to give a point and a ‘wahey, well played’ salute, mighty fine work indeed. If we weren’t yet sick of queuing there was one more. The dreaded queue to get in. It was in this queue that I saw the full extent of the ‘uniform.’ In front of us was a beluga whale. For some reason she thought it a good idea to wear a tight pink vest top which exaggerated her figure mmmmm mmmmmm. Not only that she has quite clearly rubbed a hell of a lot of Vaseline and animal fat on her legs to squeeze herself very unnecessarily into the shortest, tightest pair of shorts I have ever seen. Oh how that button must have been screaming to be released, I feared that she would bend over in front of us and that would be the end of them, thank god for small mercies we didn’t have that befall us.
The uniform didn’t just stop at this though, oh no. There was a stringent dress code for men too. You had to be wearing a string vest, and if you are built like a brick out house and have tattoo’s then you must be topless. If you are seen wearing a top and are like this then you are immediately flung out of the group and have rotten tomatoes thrown at you. these guys tend to stand around and hardly move to the music. If they do move then it is arms out by the sides singing, I love gym, I love meat, I love roids, that is about it.
Once through the stringent security (that didn’t check my pockets at all) we were in. Now where to go? There were two main stages that you quite clearly had to work out for yourself which one you wanted to go to as there was a distinct lack of information about. Luckily being the geniuses that we are, we found our stage and parked ourselves for the day. I was happily collecting a tan and having a rave, whilst Lisa too was having a good old dance. None of our actions suggested in any way that the 2 inches of space that we had to ourselves was a walkway. Apparently that was our mistake and indeed it was a walkway. Now someone saying ‘excuse me’ and then slipping past I have no problem with what-so-ever. Someone just pushing past though is another thing. The elbows come out, I stand rigid and hope that they can’t get past. If I am walking towards them I will happily give them the shoulder and watch them bounce off. Add to this the fact that the sea/swarm/school/gaggle of dickheads were now walking around together in link chains! They would walk along hand in hand stretching right out so that no one can go past them. Just walk round!!! It isn’t hard, I delighted in a couple of trips that I did, you see one stumble and then stand back and enjoy the domino effect. All the while having a good old dance so that you are above suspicion, superb.
I remember being an immature 13 year old. The first time I was allowed out on my own with friends to London. I was running around everywhere, thinking I was really cool to be allowed out. Looking back on that I am pretty sure that people looked at me and thought ‘pah, kids.’ I had an excuse. I was 13 years old and allowed out in the big city with no adult supervision for the first time, it was brilliant!!! Now at 18 years old this had worn off. I was even allowed by my parents to stay up past midnight! The kids at Future on Saturday were another level. You would hope that they would grow out of it but alas no. There is no hope for these retards I suppose. Running everywhere, screaming, swearing and spitting. It is not cool, no one is impressed by it, but apparently they think it is. I shall stop there as this is a topic of much discussion that I will go into at a later date.
After all this I really enjoyed the festival would you believe. The queuing for drinks was ridiculous and the security might as well not have been there, but the music was good and my immediate company great. It was topped off beautifully by the hour journey on the bus back to the train station. It is a 30 minute walk!! The festival finished at 10, as did the football match and the food festival that were all in the area, some great planning by the Sydney council there. There was some entertainment though as a young’un that had quite clearly drunk too much and was dehydrated fell off his chair and was lying on the ground. I was tempted to do a ‘wahey’ and point but thought better of it. Festivals are bloody great don’t you agree. That is the thought for today, tune in tomorrow for something else. Laters
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